1. Have a sex draw
When you are about to have sex, there is nothing worse than suddenly having to get up and look for contraceptives or sex toys. This can be a real mood killer. A good idea is to assemble all the things you may need during sex in a handy place that is easy to access at a crucial moment. A draw by the bed is a convenient option, but you can pick anywhere that works for you.
Assemble all the things you may need during sex in a handy place that is easy to access at a crucial moment.
2. Cuddle after sex
The time immediately after sex can be as important and special as the lovemaking itself. After sex, make sure you have a cuddle rather than falling to sleep or rushing off to do other things. Even just a few minutes of cuddles and kisses is reassuring and puts a positive seal on your lovemaking. It reinforces that you both value the special time you have just had together.
The time immediately after sex can be as important and special as the lovemaking itself.
3. Understand differences
The conventions we learn growing up affect the way we think and behave, as well as our attitudes and beliefs. They seem so natural to us that we often don’t stop to think why we behave the way we do and don’t appreciate that our partner may have learnt completely different conventions. Because sex can be treated as a delicate – and even secretive – subject in many families, it is an area where misinterpretation and misunderstandings in relationships is particularly likely.
Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings towards intimacy and sex because although you may have been brought up in a family where it is perfectly normal to show affection towards others, your partner may be less comfortable with this concept. Remember, neither of you are right or wrong in this situation, you are simply different in your beliefs and that’s totally fine. You just have to be able to understand each others upbringings so that you do not misinterpret each other, and this way you are more likely to avoid arguments and hurt feelings. If a situation like this occurs, make sure you talk to your partner before making assumptions about what their behavior means. For example, you may be comfortable cuddling in public whereas this could make your partner feel awkward, but do not jump to the assumption that something is wrong, find out how they feel.
4. Don’t assume gender roles
Many people assume that they should feel or behave in a certain way towards sex simply because of their gender. This means partners can often take on roles in relation to sex which they are dissatisfied with. It is helpful to talk to your partner about how expectations affect sexual expression to see how your attitudes about your gender could be affecting you. Think about questions such as ‘What are the roles you feel you should be fulfilling in order to be a ‘proper’ man/woman?’, ‘what is the sexual behavior you feel is appropriate for your gender?’ and ‘How do these roles differ from what you actually want to be doing?’. In fact, if you talk things like this through with your partner, you could end up having a sex life that you both want to have rather than worrying about what you think you ought to have. This can make your relationship stronger when you accept that you do not have to live up to gendered roles. Don’t allow your gender scripts to affect your potential to enjoy being sexual together.
5. Don’t rely on guesswork
Too often, people expect their partners to guess what they want or need, rather than having an actual conversation about it. Don’t be afraid to tell one another what you want or need out of fear of rejection. Your sexual needs are likely to be different to your partners, so there is no way you can expect them to guess. If this is something you feel uncomfortable to bring up, try asking your partner for a non-sexual favour first and see how comfortable or uncomfortable you feel with the response. If it makes you feel awkward, you could try explaining this to your partner. They may then find it easier to help you out when you are struggling to say what you want. You may find they need a hand to express themselves too.
Your sexual needs are likely to be different to your partners, so there is no way you can expect them to guess.
Do not assume that you know all of your partners sexual needs. Continue to be curious and interested in one another and try to discover if there are things you might want to try as a couple. Letting time pass without stating your wants or needs, trying to be too similar and assuming that anything new wont be of interest to your partner are probably among the main reasons for sexual stagnation and ‘boredom’. Address concerns as they occur rather than ignoring them.
7. Sensual exercises
Try touching each other with no sexual agenda and see how this makes you feel. It is good to see how comfortable you are with closeness and touch when sex is not involved. Sensual touch can be a great alternative to active sex and barely touching at all can set the nerves tingling. You can use fingertips, lips as well as feathers to gently caress each other in an intimate but non-sexual way. When trying out various touching exercises, do not involve private areas, or if you do, do not touch them in a way aimed at arousal. This is an opportunity
8. Make time for sex
Although the idea of spontaneous sex is great, it is not something that realistically is bound to happen often. When couples have been together a long time and have priorities that override making time for intimacy, it can be hard to find time for sex. This is something that has to be address realistically – it may be necessary to sit down and plan time for intercourse, or experiment with something that works for you both.
9. Start from scratch
By starting from the beginning, you can break bad habits, learn about your bodies and embrace strategies which enable you to deal with problems as they arise. It can be helpful to agree on a sex ban so that you have a period of time where you can relax and appreciate kisses and cuddles without worrying about what comes next. This can give you a more positive attitude to touch and even to your relationship overall.
It can be helpful to agree on a sex ban so that you have a period of time where you can relax and appreciate kisses and cuddles without worrying about what comes next.
10. Be sensitive
Concerns about how our bodies look, perform and feel can easily make us insecure and self-conscious. This can lead people to avoid having sex because they feel awkward or anxious about their bodies. Even if you have been with your partner a long time, it is important to be sensitive to their insecurities. Of course bodies change overtime and looks are not the most important thing in a relationship, but you must be wary of your partners feeling. Be caring and thoughtful by being conscious of what helps your partner feel less self-conscious when you make love. If it makes them feel better to have the lights off or stay partially clothed, try not to discourage this or tease them about it. Be patient and understanding – this way, they are more likely to relax and forget about body concerns.
Be caring and thoughtful by being conscious of what helps your partner feel less self-conscious when you make love.
11. Non-sexual acts
Appreciate acts of intimacy as much as you appreciate sex. If you catch your partner’s eye, touch ever so softly or enjoy a stolen kiss, remember these are all expressions of sexuality. Although they don’t involve sexual acts, they can contribute to feelings of intimacy, desire and arousal as well as wellbeing and satisfaction.
12. Enjoy a kiss and cuddle
Do not expect acts of intimacy to result in sex. Thinking in this way can leave you feeling disappointed if this does not occur. Enjoy kissing and cuddling for the intimacy they provide themselves rather than assuming they are simply a prelude to sex. This way you can both enjoy these acts without the added pressure of sex.
Enjoy kissing and cuddling for the intimacy they provide themselves rather than assuming they are simply a prelude to sex.